Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
