nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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