We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
