I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
