So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
