M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Randomize
