my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
