The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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