I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
