Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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