My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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