Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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