It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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