if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
