My friends, they love my intelligence
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Randomize
