Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
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