our cab driver is having phone sex.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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