Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
