I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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