chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize