she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
