just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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