Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
