PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
