At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
