Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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