is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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