you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
