I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
