How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
So much rum. So many feels.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
