cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Randomize
