so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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