so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
