My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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