I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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