make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
