You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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