Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
