Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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