so explain again why im purple
no
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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