I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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