someone threw a dead crab at me
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
