What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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