just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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