Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
