The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
