Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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