my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he shaved USA in his pubs
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
a search helicopter?!
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize