I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize