Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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