GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
