I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
