omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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