I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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