Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
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