Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
