I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
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