Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
We don't watch enough power rangers
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
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