I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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