Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
