No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
