I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i need an iv and a liver transplant
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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