I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
