you traded sex for a burrito?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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