My boss' voice literally gives me gas
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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