i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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