I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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