i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
